Everything I Wanted
by HerNamewasAlice
Summary: It was all over between him and her. Rey doesn't know what to feel. She's not sure if she should be relieved, hurt, angry, or happy. She should let go, she knows. But it doesn't stop her from wearing his sweater. She misses everything. (Modern AU/Inspired by TROS)
1. Chapter 1

The spare key to his house is in her hand. The metal is cold. The ridges felt like sharp glass. She should have returned it but she wanted something to hold on to, something to remember him by. It was all over between him and her. Rey doesn't know what to feel. She's not sure if she should be relieved, hurt, angry, or happy. She should let go, she knows.

But it doesn't stop her from wearing his sweater.

She misses everything.

* * *

**Three Months Ago** :

It was raining. Most people would be inside their homes with this weather but Rey and Ben were not most people. They were sitting in his car, pulled off to the side of the rode. Any normal person would have find a safe place to park away from traffic but they were not normal. Police cars pass by them ever so often to see what was going on. Once the police officers recognized the situation, they drove away and let them be.

The officers knew they were not off to the side for car trouble. It didn't seem to be a heated dispute either. It was something more, much more.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she breathed. She tries to turn away but she doesn't. Being inside such a small space forced them to be close, to be with one another. It was such an intimate space, quiet. All could she hear was the rain and his breathing. His breathing was faint. She listened intently, trying to remember the sound always.

"I didn't think it was important," he answered without showing any emotion.

Rey swallowed hard and shook her head. She was trembling. She saw right through him, through the façade he kept so well. He was feeling everything, every single emotion but he didn't know what to do with it. He does what he knows best, to reject everything, even here. "Ben, you're dying."

* * *

**Seven Months Ago** :

_What do you do when you have all the money in the world? _

_What was the point of working hard all these years? _

_There was no amount of money that could save him. What was the point of all of his accomplishments when he was all alone? He had no one. He didn't have any friends. No partner. The only person he had was his mother and he feels so much of a failure. His mother always wanted to see him get married and have children. It was never going to happen and he feels so angry with himself. He wasted so much of his life and now it was slipping from his fingertips. _

_"I'm sorry mom," he swallowed the lump in his throat. He can't even look at her. He was ashamed he wasn't strong enough. "I don't want to go on. I'm so tired."_

_His mother touched his head. This was not the first time they had this conversation. Ben had spent the last four years fighting. They had spent so much heartbreak thinking he was cleared for the last two years and now it was back. "What do you want to do?" she asked weakly. She clutched on to his hand and held on to him. Ben tensed up for he knew that his mother was slowly accepting it. _

_"I just want to enjoy what's left of my life. We know what's going to happen either way. I don't want to waste any second."_

_"Whatever decision you make, I'll be here."_

* * *

**Three Months Ago** :

"You didn't look sick when I first met you," Rey emphasized. She wasn't talking to him, she was talking to herself. "You didn't," she repeated, unable to look away. He looks really ill now. He had lost so much weight in the last few weeks and his skin was starting to lose its color. His bones were more prominent than hers and they were sharp. He looked as if he was going to wither away at any second. She frowned as she felt tears trickle on her cheeks.

"You met me months after I stopped doing my treatments." Ben tucked his hair behind his ear. "Does it matter?" he countered. He kept with the illusion of indifference. "I pay for your time and you get money."

"I wouldn't have agreed to this if I'd known." She didn't know what to feel. She wanted to feel angry for him keeping a secret from her and basically lying to her but she couldn't. She felt sad and for some reason, terribly lonely.

He flinched. There's silence then in his car. He stared at the rain and notices fog collecting on his windshield. He didn't realize that it was this cold. He turned to look at her. She was crying and he didn't know why. "Why are you crying?" his face crumpled altogether at the sight.

"I care about you," her voice is breaking.

His heart skipped a beat. "You do?"

"Of course I do!" she yelled at him. "Why do you think I don't?"

"I'm sorry but it's hard to tell when I'm literally paying for your services," he sounded bitter.

Rey's eyebrows furrowed. She doesn't know why he's upset about the whole agreement suddenly. They were fine before his health declined drastically. "You were the one who wanted it -

"You didn't exactly refuse."

"It doesn't mean I don't care about you," she snapped back.

To her surprise, he glares back at her. "Don't you dare say those things!" he raised his voice. He wasn't yelling, he was too repressed from himself to feel anything. He's lost and she can see it clearly in the dim light. "You're only saying that because now you know and you're being cordial."

"What makes it so hard for you to accept that someone is actually capable of caring for you? How do you think I feel?"

Cars pass them, giving them seconds of bright light only to leave them in darkness.

"You're acting like I did something wrong," he ignores her question. "I didn't. I'm not paying for you to sleep with me or send sexual photos or videos. I've been only paying to spend time with you and have someone to talk to."

"And that makes it better?"

"We were never anything. Never even friends."

* * *

**Five Months Ago** :

_He's been a wanderer the last few months._

_He has a house but he doesn't have a home. He was a nomad. He was a man with money but couldn't afford a place to set him free. He only had months to live, a year if he was lucky. He's been desperately trying to find refuge from reality. And yet, this particular city he's been staying for the last few weeks, he keeps lingering. He keeps going back._

_There was nothing special about this city except for the girl that served him coffee._

_It was absurd for him to be enamored with the complete stranger but she was beautiful. He liked looking at her even if their interactions were clipped. Brief. She was such a small girl, slim and tiny with the warmest of eyes. Her eyes were hazel and were green in the light. Everything about her was so feminine even when her brown hair was in the messiest of buns. She was like a doll that he wanted to keep, to have. _

_Ben knows that she's only friendly because she has to be. He was a customer and she was his server but when she smiled at him, he believes it. He believes in every naïve emotion he possessed towards her - that she wants him too - that he could get better - that he could make a home of her._

_She only wants a nice tip and he gives that to her. Never leaves the restaurant without tipping her a twenty for a measly cup of coffee. He's aware that people were only kind to him for money but for some reason he likes seeing her brighten up whenever he leaves a twenty dollar bill. He knows nothing of her except by her appearance. She doesn't have much in the world. She's young and she's just trying to get by. She's barely making it by as evident to how thin her wrists are and how worn out her clothes were. _

_He wants to give her more than just a tip, wants to give her everything. All he had. _

_Except he couldn't. It was tragic for he wasn't given the chance to try, not even given the chance to get rejected by that beautiful girl. What was the point of pursuing a relationship when his days were numbered? It would be cruel of him to try, to get close only to be gone. _

_And yet, he goes to this little diner every single morning. He likes being around her even though she doesn't even know his name. He likes seeing her smile. She was pure light, pure joy. He likes hearing the sound of her voice. He loves her accent. He loves hearing her laugh. _

_He's never been in love and he knows he'll never be._

_Perhaps it was better this way, less painful. _

_Ben thinks of putting a listing on craigslist. He's been so lonely but he didn't realize how much until she's all he could think about, the girl from the diner. How chipper she was even when customers brought her down. How diligent of a worker she was. How sweetly she hummed whenever there was a song that was playing that she liked. How small she was. How she doesn't wear a bra whenever she wore her thick sweater._

_An ad on craigslist just makes sense to him. He wants a relationship, even if it's just pretend. There was no attachment and no one gets hurt. It'll only be beneficial for both parties. He's not new to paying for things he wanted. He's paid for sex before, countless of times but what he wants now is different. He wants someone to be his companion, to make him believe he could be loved by someone. He's aware that he's strange but he craves what all people crave. Affection. Comfort. Companionship._

_He doesn't want sex. He's isn't exactly the same down there since he got sick. His sex drive has decreased after years of medication and treatments. _

_He states everything he wants in the listing, makes it clear. Transparent. __To his surprise, he gets a lot of messages from willing participants. He gets a lot of explicit images even though he basically spelled out that he wanted nothing sexual. The women were young and attractive but none caught his eye the way Rey did. They were not Rey but he wants it to be her. _

_Ben tries to be patient at first. He waits for a girl to catch his eye that's willing to be in a pretend relationship with him. The more time passed the more he stopped caring. He wasn't getting any better. He's been off his treatments but has been drowning himself in heavy medication. Was it so wrong for him to want to be selfish?_

_When the check comes he writes down his number and hides it underneath a few hundred dollar bills._

_OoOoO_

_"What do you want from me?" she asks him. She was eyeing him, he could tell by the way her eyes stop at his suit._

_Nothing, he wanted to say. "I'm so lonely," he explained. "I just want someone to be with me even if it isn't real. I'm not asking for a relationship or sex. I just want someone to spend time with me and talk to me."_

_"And you're trying to buy me?"_

_Ben shook his head. "I'm not -_

_"It's just what?" she doesn't seem content with it at all. Her phone is in her hand and he knew that she was probably one number away from dialing 911. He sighs to himself, thankful that she had at least agreed to speak to him in the park. It was a public area but there was enough space for them to speak freely without being heard. _

_"I don't want anything from you. I just want to be around you."_

_"And why is money involved?" Rey demanded. It sounded like he was looking for a friend but he was going about it all wrong. She doesn't know what was more insane, the complete stranger leaving her a large sum of cash with a proposition or her who agreed to hear him out. _

_Because I have so much of it, he wanted to say. And I don't know what to do with it. "I know you need money and I'm happy to compensate. I know I'm not an easy person to be around," he responded simply._

_"I wasn't being nice to you all this time for money."_

_Ben scoffed. Of course she was. She always made a beeline for him whenever he entered the diner. "I'm many things but I am not delusional. I know what this is and the quicker you accept for what it is, the easier it'll be for the both of us."_

_OoOoOo_

_Rey gives herself time to think it through. Her roommates are surprisingly calm about the situation and suggests she takes his offer. It baffles her more that they were taking this so well. _

_"I heard it's common," Rose responded. _

_"For rich men not to ask for sex?" she raised her eyebrow. __"You must be joking."_

_"He's a rich guy," Poe explained. "He's lonely and wants a friend."_

_"Yes but you would think he would ask for sex with that amount of money he's offering me," Rey emphasized._

_"Oh peanut you'd be surprised how many repressed rich brats there are in the world that just want a friend," Finn said casually. "I never met a rich guy but I've read stories about it on reddit. Rich people get to have whatever they want but after a while they want something personal. Be lucky he isn't asking you to piss on him or be part of his harem or anything."_

_"You should totally do it. You're getting paid just to text him and spend time with him. No sex or kissing, that's a good deal there," Poe nudged her. _

_"It's freaking weird that he's not asking for sex," Rey repeated again._

_"No it's fucking weird if he asks you for feet pics but he's not."_

_Rose and Finn nodded in agreement._

_"It sounds like he wants to date me but at the same time doesn't want to date me," Rey couldn't help but to be frustrated. Her roommates were taking this too well. The fucking man tipped her five hundred dollars too. _

_"Well you know how guys are afraid of commitment," Poe shrugged. "But he's not asking to date you. With what you said, I think he's pretty certain that he wants nothing more than just a friend. And extra money wouldn't hurt either for your savings."_

* * *

**Three Months Ago :**

The tiny space of the car was starting to suffocate her. Was that all she was to him? Just an accessory? A toy? "I can't do this anymore," she breathed. She needs some air. She needs some space from here and him.

"No, please. Don't say that," he pleaded.

"Why?"

"I need you," his tone is pained. His hand reaches out for her but he stops himself. He looks so weak, everything about him was sharp and hallow but his mouth. His lips were still full and soft.

Rey flinched and tried to look at anything else but she couldn't. All she could see was him and he was an arm length apart. Holding back, he was always holding back and now it all made sense. He wanted to have her without having her. No kissing. No hand holding. Just an agreement. He didn't want to hurt her. He never wanted her to know.

"Please, stay," he said feebly. He sounded so desperate. So much of a little boy.

"Why?" she asked. "Why should I?"

"I'll give you more money -

"I don't want your money." She pulled out her phone then.

"What are you doing?"

"Sending you back all the money you gave me," she huffed, furiously wiping her tears. "I don't want any of it." She does so, gives him back the forty thousand dollars she accumulated the last few months. "I don't care. I'll pick up another job. I'll pull out loans if I have to."

Ben watched helplessly as she finished the transaction. He doesn't know what to do now. People only stayed with him for money but she didn't want it. Never in his life did he felt so powerless. "I have nothing else to give."

"I just want you," she whispered.

Ben winced. Was this payback for keeping his secret from her? If it was it was working because she was breaking his heart. He's so close to crying. That was all he had ever wanted, to love and be loved. "I can't give you that," his lips were quivering. "I'm not going to make it."

Rey nodded in confirmation to let him know that she understood. "Please give me what's left of you."

"Do you know what you're getting yourself into?" He wants to desperately touch her, to make sure he was here - that this was real. "Do you know the effect you have on me when you say things like this to me? I'm so broken, Rey. I'm so fragile."

"I say them because they're true. Not because I have to."

"What do you want from me?" he asked aggressively. He's so confused and disorientated. He was an injured animal attempting to defend himself from death.

"I want you to love me until you can't."

He turned away from her and stared at the rain. Rain came and go. Rain came and went. He wondered if he could do the same, come back. "I can't. It'll be so much harder for the both of us," his eyes lowered. When the time came, he hoped he can go with the rain. Rain always soothed him even in the darkest of times.

"Ben," she called out his name.

Instinctively he turned to her. She has a hold on him and she'll always will. She's staring at him but she wasn't beaming. She had tears in her eyes, her lips curled into a frown. "I don't want to be the reason why you're sad." He breaks the distance between them to wipe her tears.

She leaned closer to him, her eyes flickering at his. "Ben," she said softly, her focus shifting to his mouth.

"Rey -

"Ben."

He hushes up altogether. He watches as she became fixated with his lips. She's biting the bottom of her lip and then met with his eyes once more. He's still, trying to remember every little detail of her and the way she looked at him. Her gaze is tender. Consuming. Everything.

She's beautiful, she really was.

To his surprise, she kisses him. Kisses him first. Initiates it - he goes wild all at once. This doesn't feel real. His hands holding on to her, holding on for life. He never wants to forget, if he had to go, he wanted to take this moment with him. Her lips are soft and he engulfs them. Her fingers are running through what's left of his hair. His hair is starting to fall out again but it didn't matter for he feels full, so complete.

"I know I'm going to lose you," she breaks apart to have the words be out in the open. He's kissing her all over, his hands slipping underneath her sweater. She stops him. This was not the place. They were still on the side of the road, headlights passing by ever so often. He takes no time in buckling his seatbelt and starting the car. "I would like to at least have you first."

"You'll always have me."


	2. Chapter 2

Ben is dead.

The mere fact of it leaves her hallow, an empty shell of herself. She's been in denial for the last few months. She still wears his sweater, to keep her here from withering away. His mother checks up on her from time to time, to make sure she's eating. Rey hasn't been eating. She's been spending her days sleeping and going through his belongings. She's been losing weight.

She misses the smell of him. The warmth of his body. The way he looked at her.

Rey knew what was going to happen and yet she still wasn't prepared. She was mentally and emotionally preparing herself for months but she should have known that it would never be enough. What felt like the best days of her life felt like a nightmare, haunting her. He used to be here and she used to be in his arms. She still remembers the weight of him. How big he smiled. How he sound when he laughed. She remembers it all.

Her former roommates check up from time to time.

She had moved out some time ago to spend the rest of Ben's days with him. They keep telling her to come back. They tell her that living there wasn't helping her mental state. Her health has been deteriorating. Instead of stopping it, she lets it happen. A part of her wished she had never met him. If she didn't, she would never feel this pain.

She's never felt this lonely in her life.

Rey's haunted of what could have been, of the life they could have had together. But it wasn't meant to be. They knew this from the start and yet they kept going. They lived on borrowed time and what a time it was but now it was over and she's left cold.

* * *

**Six Months Ago:**

_She doesn't feel real, that's all the Ben could think._

_This girl is so sweet even outside of work. Yes, he knows that his money plays in a factor but he feels that it's beyond that. Or maybe he's so lonely that he wants to believe it. Ben just wants to scoop her up and squeeze her in his arms to make sure he wasn't dreaming._

_He's staring at everything - at all the balloons and brightly colored confetti. There's cake here too and a box of pizza on the counter. "You did this for me?" he asked doubtfully. _

_Rey laughed. "Of course! It's your birthday after all!" she hugged him then._

_He stiffened. He's not used to being hugged but slowly he wraps himself halfway, trying to match her affection. The only person that hugged him was his mother. "I just mentioned it - I didn't expect you to -_

_"Everyone deserves to celebrate their birthdays," she said cheerfully. She squeezed him again. Involuntarily he inhaled her scent. Her hair smelled like peaches. He wanted to run his fingers through her silky hair. _

_"It's nothing special -_

_"Don't be silly! It is important. You are my friend and I care about you," she emphasized. "You lived to be another year older. That is special."_

_Ben felt his throat go dry. If only she knew._

* * *

Ben's mother stops by once a week to check up on Rey. She brings food with her and a little basket full of essentials. She hugs Rey each time, every time she does it becomes more sincere. "How are you doing?" she asked the young girl. Leia tried not to stare but it was hard not to. Rey looks so tired. Her eyes are swollen and red. Her hair is in a messy bun and she's always in her son's sweater.

"I'm - I'm," she swallowed hard. She starts crying then. Leia kept her mouth closed and allowed the girl to gather herself. "I'm not doing well," Rey's voice broke.

Leia exhaled and nodded. She knows exactly what the girl was going through and yet she didn't. Leia had lost her husband years ago but at least she was able to have a life with him before he died. Rey never got the chance and yet she stayed knowing that he wasn't going to live. How cruel life was. How unfair. Her son really did love the girl and Leia sees now that the girl loved him as well. If she could trade places with her son, she would. In a heartbeat.

"I miss him," she whispered. Tears are still streaming from her eyes. Her lips are quivering and she looks so small.

Leia pat the girl's shoulder. "I miss him too," she breathed. Leia blinked as the girl hugged her. It startles her but she lets the girl stay there until the girl was ready to pull away.

"I don't want any o-f it," Rey wiped her eyes. "I don't. It's never been about his money. Please stop coming here to ask me about it. I don't care that he left me half of his wealth, it's all yours." Rey shook her head and heaved. "_I love your son_," she emphasized. "I know you're here to try to kick me out of his home. I know I have to leave but just give me more time," she pleased. "I'm not strong enough yet to leave."

"It's not that," Leia said gently.

Rey raised her eyebrow.

"It was," Leia admitted. There was no use in denying it. Leia was adamant about this girl from the start but she sees now that the girl really did love her son. And this girl gave Ben the best days of his life. In all the years, Leia's never seen Ben so happy. "But it isn't anymore."

"Then what is it?"

Leia opened her mouth but nothing came out. She stared at the ceiling and gathered her thoughts. She shut her eyes and sighed. "We should sit first," Leia insisted.

Rey's heart skipped a beat. Rey forced herself to nod and obliged to his mother. "What is it?"

Leia bit her lip and stared at the ceiling again. She thinks about how to arrange her thoughts into viable sentences but nothing came to mind. "There's no real way to go about this," she ran her fingers through her hair. "It's still going to be a hard conversation."

Rey's fingers curled into fists. She was shaking and yet she didn't know what it was going to be. Leia looked so distressed, so worn. Rey sensed something was wrong. She hadn't seen Leia like this since Ben's funeral.

"When Ben was first diagnosed, we weren't sure how things were going to go. We were hopeful at first but I convinced him to save...some of himself just in case."

"Save himself? What -Oh." Rey shifted in the chair then.

"Well it's a good thing that he did. I'm not sure if you knew but he became infertile over time."

Rey went quiet.

"He always wanted to be a father." Leia frowned. It hurts. It hurts to know he's gone. "It was one of his regrets," she kept blinking to stop the tears from running. "He wished he could have found the right woman on time." Her chest was constricting, her voice was cracking. This wasn't right. A mother wasn't suppose to outlive her child. Ben was such a good man and spent his life working hard for a future that was gone. He didn't get married. He didn't get to be a dad. He didn't get to grow old with the woman he loved but the woman was there, sitting in front of Leia.

Rey went pale. "Are you...are you asking me?" her voice went faint.

All they could hear was the emptiness of the living room.

"I know it's a lot to ask," she wiped her tears with her sleeve.

"It is," Rey said clearly. She doesn't even deny it. It was so much to ask. She was still grieving and to bring a child into the world as a single mother - Rey knows she isn't strong enough for that. It was one thing to be a single mother but for the child not to have a father - she couldn't do that to a child. It would be such a hard life for the both of them.

"I'm aware it'll bring you a lot of sadness but the child will bring you a lot of happiness. Much more happiness than anything."

Leia waited for the girl to respond but she didn't.

"I know it sounds selfish that's why I never mentioned it to you until now."

"So why now?" Rey snapped. She couldn't help but to be angry. His mother was putting her into such a position. It was selfish. It was cruel. Rey was alone and she doesn't want to feel more alone having a child and not being able to share the experience. It was scary thought to put her body to so much for no one but herself and the baby.

"I keep thinking of the last conversations I had with him."

Rey froze. Leia said conversations. Plural.

"He always told me that you were the love of his life."

Rey trembled. She didn't think it was possible for the tears to keep going but they were. They were quiet tears but it left a loud impact on Leia.

Leia gave the girl a small smile, assuring the girl that Leia was here for her. "He loved you so much," she squeezed the girl's hand. "You have no idea how much he wanted to ask you. He didn't because he cared too much about you." Leia pulled away and rubbed her temples. Even if he did, he would have never gotten the chance to see his child. "I see if it your face that you thought about it too," Leia paused and examined her. "And I still think you do."

"I didn't know anything about this" She was biting her nails. She was overwhelmed.

"It's a lot to process," Leia half smiled. "A hell of a lot but the choice is yours. I just wanted to let you know that this is an option. All the things he left for you, it's all yours regardless if you choose to have a baby. I know we didn't get along off at first but I'll still be here for you."

"Why?" she croaked.

"You made my son so happy, the happiest he's ever been. He left the world with a smile on his face. I know he would want me to look after you." Leia reached to squeeze the child's hand. "I was so wrong about you."

"When did you realize that?" Rey kept her guard up.

"For the last few months." The girl stayed by her son's side every second in the hospital and took care of him when Leia couldn't. It's been months and yet the girl wasn't getting any better. The girl was grieving, had nothing but a broken heart. "You are such a good person and I know how you felt about my son was genuine. I've just been too stubborn to admit I was wrong."

"Stop saying nice things." She shook her head. It was too much for her to bear. It was only a reminder that Ben was really gone and they would never have the things that they wanted. Ben was gone. They would never be a family. "Please stop."

"I didn't mean to hurt you." Leia held Rey. Rey was sobbing uncontrollably. The girl was light in her arms, fragile and delicate. Leia and her didn't get along but Leia knew Rey missed being held. "The choice is yours."


End file.
